How I Say No Without Feeling Guilty

When someone recently asked me to join the board of a local civic nonprofit, I declined. Do I love this organization and believe in its mission and the work they do? Yes. But, does it completely align with my focus for the year? No. So, I said no to the opportunity.

Saying no is often hard, especially when I care so much about the work I do and the community I live in. But I have learned that if I don’t set an intention for my resources in advance, it’s easy to overcommit. And, when I overcommit, then I deplete my resources. It’s the law of diminishing returns. More is not always better.

So with the organization where I was asked to join the board of and declined, broadly it fits into the category of supporting my community. But, it does not specifically address the issues in my community where I want to make an impact, so that’s why I said no. 

Here's how I handle deciding what to say yes and no to—and how you can, too.

At the beginning of each year, I set my priorities. It’s not just a list of goals, but a real plan for where I’m going to invest my time, energy, and money. For example, my yearly priorities almost always include my family, my business, and my community, but that’s not enough detail. From the big-picture focus areas, I identify specific people, activities, organizations, and events. From that, I then drill down ever more based on how much time I can give per month and how much money I can give per year.

I get specific.

When it comes to family, I make sure to prioritize the relationships that matter most. Each year, I focus on specific people I want to invest more time in, whether it’s deepening connections or being more present in their lives. It’s about ensuring that the people closest to me remain a priority amid everything else.

For my business, I get specific about my budget and activities and my employees and how that fits into my long-term business goals. 

I adore my community, but it’s easy to spread myself too thin, because there are plenty of opportunities. So, I’ve identified opportunities I’ve specifically wanted to invest in. This year I’ve decided to specifically focus on the Carmel Farmers Market, planning and zoning, especially as it relates to the housing crisis and transportation, and engaging with people in my neighborhood. How do I do that? I volunteer for events that are right in my “backyard” such as Bike Carmel and The Oktoberfest.

One priority that goes on my list every single year is helping others, specifically supporting women in recovery from addiction. As a woman in long-term recovery, it’s essential for me to give back to others which in turn helps me.

I also decide in advance which organizations I’ll support financially for the year. Why? Because as humans, there are so many opportunities to be busy, busy, busy, and so many organizations and people doing great work. I need a roadmap for myself so that when someone asks me to join another board or donate to a cause that’s not on my list or beyond my financial commitment for the year, I can say no with confidence. I know that I’ve already given. I don’t feel guilty because I’ve already made thoughtful decisions about how I’m going to use my resources.

There are things I also get to say “Yes!” to with joy.

For example, when my friend and colleague Jack Russell, President and CEO of OneZone Chamber, asked me to chair the OneZone One Impact Foundation, it was an easy yes. The opportunity aligned perfectly with my priorities I set for the year around my community and my business. It checks all the boxes for where I want to focus my time and energy this year, so I was grateful for the opportunity and jumped on board.

So, how do I actually say no?

The key to saying no without guilt is knowing what’s important to me and sticking to it. Sticking to it is actually harder than identifying what’s important. The “sticking to it” requires me to think ahead about how I will respond when shiny new opportunities cross my path that I would love to do but don’t fit. 

Here are some examples of what I say when “shiny opportunities” cross my path that I need to say no to so I can maintain my priorities and protect my resources (and my sanity!). 

When someone gives me an opportunity to serve, I’m prepared to say, 

“That’s something I would LOVE to do. All of my time is committed to my priorities right now. But, if something changes, I will let you know.”

Then, if I’m asked for money, I say, “This is such a great cause. I would love to support it, but I’ve already committed my financial resources for giving this year.”

This process has helped me so much! So, I encourage you to set your priorities, decide where you’ll invest your time, energy, and money, and then stick to those commitments with practiced responses of saying “No” in a kind but firm way. You’ll find it’s much easier to say no this way—and at the end of the year you’ll be able to look back and see the impact on your priorities - the things that really matter to you.